10 reasons the “Free-Market Jesus Paradise” is awesome

10 reasons the “Free-Market Jesus Paradise” is awesome

Had I not known Tomasky’s piece in The Daily Beast was not in fact, parody, I’d have thought I was reading something straight from the annals of The Onion.

Bereaved over Mary Landrieu’s Louisiana Senate loss to Senator-elect Cassidy, Tomasky made the case (and I use that term loosely), that the Democrats should ditch Dixie (emphasis added to highlight adventitious hilarity):

I don’t remember a much sadder sight in domestic politics in my lifetime than that of Mary Landrieu schlumpfing around these last few weeks trying to save a Senate seat that was obviously lost. It was like witnessing the last two weeks of the life of a blind and toothless dog you knew the vet was just itching to destroy. I know that sounds mean about her, but I don’t intend it that way. She did what she could and had, as far as I know, an honorable career. I do, however, intend it to sound mean about the reactionary, prejudice-infested place she comes from. A toothless dog is a figure of sympathy. A vet who takes pleasure in gassing it is not.

And that is what Louisiana, and almost the entire South, has become. The victims of the particular form of euthanasia it enforces with such glee are tolerance, compassion, civic decency, trans-racial community, the crucial secular values on which this country was founded… I could keep this list going. But I think you get the idea. Practically the whole region has rejected nearly everything that’s good about this country and has become just one big nuclear waste site of choleric, and extremely racialized, resentment. A fact made even sadder because on the whole they’re such nice people! (I truly mean that.)

With Landrieu’s departure, the Democrats will have no more senators from the Deep South, and I say good. Forget about it. Forget about the whole fetid place. Write it off. Let the GOP have it and run it and turn it into Free-Market Jesus Paradise. The Democrats don’t need it anyway.

Gee, what electoral use could Democrats possible have for Florida, or Texas, or Virginia?

Tomasky continued:

Actually, that’s not quite true. They need Florida, arguably, at least in Electoral College terms.

Right, like I was saying…

So Democrats still need to care about those two states, at least in presidential terms. And maybe you can throw in North Carolina under the right circumstances. And at some point in the near future, you’ll be able to talk about Georgia as a state a Democrat can capture. And eventually, Texas, too.

Sadly, it doesn’t look as though Tomasky will get his banish ALL the Dixie wish. At least not anytime soon.

Lachlan Markay at the Washington Free Beacon reported a group of well-to-do liberals insultingly believe Democratic dominance in the South is a “demographic inevitability,” and so, are conspiring to take back the South. (You’ve been duly warned, GOP.)

As a resident of this “Free-Market Jesus Paradise” I believe it’s crucial that those who suffer the misfortune of residing outside the FMJP borders learn a little something about how us paradise-dwellers exist.

And so we present to you, 10 reasons the Free Market Jesus Paradise is awesome, although it should be noted this is by no means an exhaustive list:

1. We gave the world Matthew McConaughey (and he still lives in Texas)

You’re welcome, World. You. Are. Welcome.

2. We always have enough sweet tea to share

True story: I went to a friend’s house for dinner when I was in second grade. They weren’t southerners. When they served iced water with dinner, I assumed it was because they were out of sweet tea.

3. Trey freaking Gowdy

You can thank South Carolina for this gem.

4. We do college football right

Irrefutable fact: SEC Football is college football.

5. Like Rock and Roll? Jazz? Blues? They all have roots in the South

We have royalty down here, too.

6. Wes Anderson, cinematic genius, hails from Houston

And his movies are wonderful.

7. Chuck Norris who’s saved America at least a bazillion times (in movies anyway)

Walker Texas Ranger is from Oklahoma. Little known fact: if you put Chuck Norris into Google, he roundhouse kicks the Internet.

8. Thomas Jefferson, because the Declaration of Independence didn’t write itself

T.J. was a Virginian of course.

9. George Washington, America’s ultimate hero or America’s greatest hero?

I mean, it’s not like there would even be an America if we hadn’t won a little thing called the “Revolutionary War” thanks to Virginian, and all around badass, G.W.

10. James Madison, Father of the Constitution

Now I understand this is an optional document for our statist pals, but some of us think the Constitution is a very important document.

And there you have it. Life in this Free-Market Jesus Paradise is pretty grand. We also have Dr Pepper, cheap gasoline, lower costs of living, BBQ, Shiner Bock, Florida beaches, southern charm, The Alamo, lots and lots of Republicans, laws to protect “Merry Christmas,” and enjoy the virtue of minding our own business. I could go on indefinitely, but you get the point.

Full disclosure: I’m a native Texan, so my biases on the Greatest Republic in the Union are alive, well, and manifestly prevalent. That being said, I grew up overseas and even lived above the Mason-Dixon line in the vast yankee paradise known to many as ‘New York’ (lovely state, that New York) so I have a good grasp on what exists outside Texas’ borders.

[H/T to Jim Geraghty of National Review]

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