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10 reasons the “Free-Market Jesus Paradise” is awesome

10 reasons the “Free-Market Jesus Paradise” is awesome

The Daily Beast thinks it’s time for Democrats to abandon the South and to that we say, “good riddance”

Had I not known Tomasky’s piece in The Daily Beast was not in fact, parody, I’d have thought I was reading something straight from the annals of The Onion.

Bereaved over Mary Landrieu’s Louisiana Senate loss to Senator-elect Cassidy, Tomasky made the case (and I use that term loosely), that the Democrats should ditch Dixie (emphasis added to highlight adventitious hilarity):

I don’t remember a much sadder sight in domestic politics in my lifetime than that of Mary Landrieu schlumpfing around these last few weeks trying to save a Senate seat that was obviously lost. It was like witnessing the last two weeks of the life of a blind and toothless dog you knew the vet was just itching to destroy. I know that sounds mean about her, but I don’t intend it that way. She did what she could and had, as far as I know, an honorable career. I do, however, intend it to sound mean about the reactionary, prejudice-infested place she comes from. A toothless dog is a figure of sympathy. A vet who takes pleasure in gassing it is not.

And that is what Louisiana, and almost the entire South, has become. The victims of the particular form of euthanasia it enforces with such glee are tolerance, compassion, civic decency, trans-racial community, the crucial secular values on which this country was founded… I could keep this list going. But I think you get the idea. Practically the whole region has rejected nearly everything that’s good about this country and has become just one big nuclear waste site of choleric, and extremely racialized, resentment. A fact made even sadder because on the whole they’re such nice people! (I truly mean that.)

With Landrieu’s departure, the Democrats will have no more senators from the Deep South, and I say good. Forget about it. Forget about the whole fetid place. Write it off. Let the GOP have it and run it and turn it into Free-Market Jesus Paradise. The Democrats don’t need it anyway.

Gee, what electoral use could Democrats possible have for Florida, or Texas, or Virginia?

Tomasky continued:

Actually, that’s not quite true. They need Florida, arguably, at least in Electoral College terms.

Right, like I was saying…

So Democrats still need to care about those two states, at least in presidential terms. And maybe you can throw in North Carolina under the right circumstances. And at some point in the near future, you’ll be able to talk about Georgia as a state a Democrat can capture. And eventually, Texas, too.

Sadly, it doesn’t look as though Tomasky will get his banish ALL the Dixie wish. At least not anytime soon.

Lachlan Markay at the Washington Free Beacon reported a group of well-to-do liberals insultingly believe Democratic dominance in the South is a “demographic inevitability,” and so, are conspiring to take back the South. (You’ve been duly warned, GOP.)

As a resident of this “Free-Market Jesus Paradise” I believe it’s crucial that those who suffer the misfortune of residing outside the FMJP borders learn a little something about how us paradise-dwellers exist.

And so we present to you, 10 reasons the Free Market Jesus Paradise is awesome, although it should be noted this is by no means an exhaustive list:

1. We gave the world Matthew McConaughey (and he still lives in Texas)


You’re welcome, World. You. Are. Welcome.

2. We always have enough sweet tea to share

sweet tea

True story: I went to a friend’s house for dinner when I was in second grade. They weren’t southerners. When they served iced water with dinner, I assumed it was because they were out of sweet tea.

3. Trey freaking Gowdy

Trey Gowdy

You can thank South Carolina for this gem.

4. We do college football right


Irrefutable fact: SEC Football is college football.

5. Like Rock and Roll? Jazz? Blues? They all have roots in the South


We have royalty down here, too.

6. Wes Anderson, cinematic genius, hails from Houston

wes anderson gif

And his movies are wonderful.

7. Chuck Norris who’s saved America at least a bazillion times (in movies anyway)

chuck norris

Walker Texas Ranger is from Oklahoma. Little known fact: if you put Chuck Norris into Google, he roundhouse kicks the Internet.

8. Thomas Jefferson, because the Declaration of Independence didn’t write itself

thomas jefferson

T.J. was a Virginian of course.

9. George Washington, America’s ultimate hero or America’s greatest hero?

George Washington

I mean, it’s not like there would even be an America if we hadn’t won a little thing called the “Revolutionary War” thanks to Virginian, and all around badass, G.W.

10. James Madison, Father of the Constitution

The Constitution

Now I understand this is an optional document for our statist pals, but some of us think the Constitution is a very important document.

And there you have it. Life in this Free-Market Jesus Paradise is pretty grand. We also have Dr Pepper, cheap gasoline, lower costs of living, BBQ, Shiner Bock, Florida beaches, southern charm, The Alamo, lots and lots of Republicans, laws to protect “Merry Christmas,” and enjoy the virtue of minding our own business. I could go on indefinitely, but you get the point.

Full disclosure: I’m a native Texan, so my biases on the Greatest Republic in the Union are alive, well, and manifestly prevalent. That being said, I grew up overseas and even lived above the Mason-Dixon line in the vast yankee paradise known to many as ‘New York’ (lovely state, that New York) so I have a good grasp on what exists outside Texas’ borders.

[H/T to Jim Geraghty of National Review]

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And Frito pies. When I saw them offered at a Central Connecticut State football concession stand, I would have pledged my troth to the Blue Devils if I’d had it on me.

I seem to remember something from history that happened in 1860. At that time we told the US that the marriage we had formulated would not work and that we needed to go our own way. Then the Yankee’s came down, destroyed our country, raped our women, took our wealth and said that we had to stay with the “union” and put up with continued abuse and disparagement. So, why don’ you let us have our freedom if we are so bad?

    Not A Member of Any Organized Political in reply to david7134. | December 12, 2014 at 1:43 pm

    At that time (circa 1860) 85% to 90% or more of the Federal government’s Tax revenues derived from the taxation of Southern Exports and Imports each year.

    The start of the war was purely economically motiviated. Why else do you think Karl Marx avidly followed the war daily in the London newspapers.

Remove 1 and 2. This Texan can’t stand either of them. Replace them with Farrah Fawcett from Corpus Christi,TX and Big Red soda, invented in Waco, TX.

Better looking and better tasting.

    He’s a guy. Tie goes to the ladies. But, yeah, Farrah Fawcett would be my choice too.

    Ragspierre in reply to joethefatman. | December 10, 2014 at 12:15 pm

    Dr. Pepper…Waco, TX

    Coca-cola…Hat-lanta, GA

    Plus, Southern cuisine. I mean, what has Vermont ever given us?

    If I remember my Aggieology right, it has produced more MOH earners than any other institution.

    We could go on…and on.

    Tomasky is just certifiable. He even embarrasses other Collectivists. Which is hard.

      Henry Hawkins in reply to Ragspierre. | December 10, 2014 at 12:56 pm

      North Carolina:

      Krispy Kreme
      Golden Corral
      Mt. Olive Pickles
      John Coltrane
      Thelonious Monk
      Cecil B. DeMille
      Doc Watson
      Roberta Flack
      Zach Galifianakis
      Randy Travis
      Ryan Adams
      Ronnie Milsap
      Scotty McCreery
      Barney Fife
      Floyd The Barber
      Floyd Council (NC musician Pink Floyd is named after)


      NC apologizes for:

      Erskine Bowles
      Clay Aiken
      Edward Snowden
      David Brinkley
      Howard Cosell
      Carl Kassel

        Henry Hawkins in reply to Henry Hawkins. | December 10, 2014 at 12:57 pm

        I would add that Texas and North Carolina have the barbecue thang locked up too.

          I have a recipe for western N. Carolina style sauce that came from my Mom’s side of the family. I’ve Texified it a bit by adding minced jalapeno peppers to it, and all my Texas friends love it on Brisket.

          Ragspierre in reply to Henry Hawkins. | December 10, 2014 at 2:27 pm

          Texans are aggressive adapters. If you bring us good stuff, we’ll thank you, improve it, and we can all enjoy it!

        No need at all to apologize for Ed Snowden, IMHO.

        You apologize for Bowles, Brinkley, and Cosell, but want credit for Zach Galifianakis, Golden Corral, and Floyd the Barber.

        You want credit for Barney Fife, but don’t even mention ObamaCare spokesmodel Andy Griffith.

        You don’t apologize for the Duke 88, UNC’s phony classes, or the Yankeefication of the Research Triangle.

        Priorities, priorities, priorities.

          Henry Hawkins in reply to Estragon. | December 10, 2014 at 8:07 pm

          Thank you for offering more evidence of your shallowness. And inaccuracy. I said nothing about Floyd the Barber. He’s not real anyway. Character in a TV show.

          How old were you when they removed your sense of humor?

          Barry in reply to Estragon. | December 10, 2014 at 8:49 pm

          Floyd might have been a character in a TV show, but he was based on a real person in Mount Airy, NC (Mayberry). I know, he was my uncles (by marriage) brother. Lots of stuff in the show was based upon real things or real people.

      Lord Whorfin in reply to Ragspierre. | December 10, 2014 at 1:01 pm

      Maple syrup.
      (rare VT conservative)

      TrooperJohnSmith in reply to Ragspierre. | December 12, 2014 at 12:16 pm

      “If you want to win a battle, use West Point men. If you want to win a war, use Texas Aggies!” – G. S. Patton

    MattMusson in reply to joethefatman. | December 10, 2014 at 12:15 pm

    I would trade a case of Big Red for just one Diet DrPepper (also invented in Texas). But then, I am a Pepper.

      I had a friend who worked for the original Big Red when it was behind Breckenridge Park. That would have been around 1964 or so.

    theduchessofkitty in reply to joethefatman. | December 10, 2014 at 1:52 pm

    I wasn’t born in TX, but got here as fast as I could!

    I used to live in the Corpus area. I never imagined how many times I had passed by Farrah Fawcett’s childhood home until I saw a real estate listing a few years back. It listed, apart from all the remodeling that went on, that very fact.

    theduchessofkitty in reply to joethefatman. | December 10, 2014 at 1:53 pm

    Oh, Selena is from Corpus, too!

    (I know: she’s been dead almost twenty years. But a lot of people who love Tex-Mex still listen to her music.)

How could he leave out Arizona?

According to Obama, we’re some of the worst bigots around.

    makes me think of Cheatham St Warehouse in the late 1980’s… the memories are a tad fuzzy but they’re still rattling around up there

First of all, as a 6th generation Texan I strongly object to McConaughey being portrayed as the archetypal Texan. His father came from New Orleans and his mother is from New Jersey. He is Texan merely through an accident of birth. And that East Texas accent of his? Fake. He’s from Uvalde. Everybody knows people from the border all have TexMex accents. And he has lived in Malibu for over 20 years..

Real Texans to be celebrated (and unfairly ignored in your list): Rick Linklater, Molly Ivins, Beyonce, Ann Richards, Barbara Jordan, LBJ, Lady Bird, Ramsey Clark, Willie Nelson, Janis Joplin, Ike, Sully Sullenberger, Cronkhite, Larry McMurtry,,, the list is infinite.

    platypus in reply to Minnie. | December 10, 2014 at 6:13 pm

    well, that explains how he managed to land that plane in the Hudson River. He just imagined it as the dirt airstrip closest to his home in Texas.

    The rest all came naturally.

You can tell what part of The South someone hails from by the way they refer to their iced tea. In Texas we will ask for “Tea” if we want unsweetened iced tea, and “Sweet Tea” if we want it sweetened. I remember when I moved to Georgia how strange I thought it was that they refer to “Tea” if you want sweetened tea, and you have to specifically ask for “Un-sweet Tea” if you don’t want it sweetened.

    Sanddog in reply to Paul. | December 10, 2014 at 12:36 pm

    In Georgia, sweet tea is considered the natural state of iced tea. If you ask for unsweetened tea, it’s assumed you have a medical condition that prevents you from drinking “real” tea.

      Henry Hawkins in reply to Sanddog. | December 10, 2014 at 12:59 pm

      Same in NC. Also, unless you make a fuss like a Yankee, you WILL get a mess o’ grits with whatever you order.

        When I moved to Georgia the company I worked for had an employee cafeteria (they also fed customers who were in for training classes). It was real home cooking and everybody laughed that newbies gained a “freshman fifteen” which I did. The ladies who ran the kitchen tried their best to get me like grits… every morning for the first few weeks I’d come in and they’d have grits with something else in them, trying their best to hit on the right combination. They just couldn’t get their head around the fact that a “southern boy” didn’t like grits! Now, their fried chicken on the other hand… heaven.

        Ragspierre in reply to Henry Hawkins. | December 10, 2014 at 2:31 pm

        In Europe, it would be called “polenta”, and you’d be charged a small fortune for it.

Don’t forget Coca-Cola, headquartered in Atlanta, GA.

Or Waffle House, of Norcross, GA.

    NC Mountain Girl in reply to Archer. | December 10, 2014 at 1:56 pm

    Waffle House has so nailed the emergency preparedness thing that FEMA uses an informal Waffle House index to quickly gauge how much assistance an area will need in the aftermath of a natural disaster.

    If the local Waffle Houses are serving full menu it means damage is isolated.

    If the local Waffle Houses are serving a limited menu it means wide spread power outages and perhaps local food shortages. Bring in lots of generators and fresh food.

    If the local Waffle Houses are closed, damage is severe and widespread. Call out everything.

I believe the saying in the South for the folks at the Daily Beast would be: “Bless their hearts”

Liberals, re: losing the South:

“And that’s the only thing I need is *this*. I don’t need the South. Just this ashtray… And this paddle game. The ashtray and the paddle game and that’s all I need… and this remote control. The ashtray, the paddle game, and the remote control, and that’s all I need… and these matches. The ashtray, and these matches, and the remote control, and the paddle ball… and this lamp. The ashtray, this paddle game, and the remote control, and the lamp, and that’s all *I* need. And that’s *all* I need, too. I don’t need one other thing, not one… I need this. The paddle game and the chair, and the remote control, and the matches for sure. Well, what are you looking at? What do you think I’m some kind of a jerk or something! And this. That’s all I need.”

With the exception of a few area’s, the rest of the country is in step with the South. Personally, I’d like to split from those few enclaves of maniac commies and let them sink without dragging the rest of us down.

A lot of this countries problems could be solved by moving Harvard to Savannah.

NC Mountain Girl | December 10, 2014 at 2:14 pm

Southern Regional cooking has become America’s cuisine. Other regions contribute a dish here and there like Cobb salad, clam chowder, lobster rolls, NY style cheesecake and Philly cheese steak, but the heart of the All American Menu is Southern in origin. Barbecue forms the base, be it Carolina pulled pork shoulder, Memphis pork ribs or Texas beef brisket/ribs and hot links. Then there are those wonderful side dishes- barbecue beans, coleslaw, mac n’cheese, corn bread, potato salad plus biscuits and biscuit based desserts like strawberry shortcake and peach cobbler. A case can also be made for chili and other Tex-Mex classics.


    That alone should do it, but Texas also produces some excellent wines and various distilled spirits, not to mention the many beers made in the South.

      NC Mountain Girl in reply to Ragspierre. | December 10, 2014 at 3:21 pm

      Tennessee Whiskey, too, as Kentuckians insist it isn’t Bourbon unless it comes from Kentucky. In Western North Carolina 100 proof moonshine is making a comeback both infused with natural fruit and clear, though my neighbors tell me the licensed stuff is strictly for the Asheville liberals. I’ve had the unlicensed stuff. I recommend it to clean engine blocks. Personally in deference to my ancestors, I prefer single malt Scotch.

      Carolina low country cuisine such as shrimp and grits also deserves a mention as All American food, as does Cajun cooking.

    Not A Member of Any Organized Political in reply to NC Mountain Girl. | December 12, 2014 at 1:51 pm

    NC Mountain Girl, I forget who and where, but some Southerner pointed out that the “U.S. culture” that the rest of the world loves, is all “Southern culture.”
    Rock, Jazz, Blues, Coco-Cola, Pepsi, and on and on…..

Tomasky sure carries around a load of prejudice, doesn’t he?

Every girl crazy ‘bout a Sharp Dressed Man

Tomasky isn’t very bright, but he is dependable on spouting leftist agitprop.

This rant is like the drunk who picks himself up off the sidewalk, brushes himself off, then taunts the bouncer with, “You can’t throw me out, I’m leaving!”

Dear Democrats: How can we start to miss you when you just won’t go away?

HistoricalForensics | December 10, 2014 at 3:39 pm

So I’ve been told, Texas has its own power grid too, so looks like we don’t need the progressive toddlers at all, under any circumstances or for any reason. And with the most vets, the most currently serving, probably the most firearms and the most Jesus-loving-Israel-supporting people in the country, who respect others’ beliefs and don’t care about the color of anybody’s skin as long as they don’t see it as a cudgel, but don’t tolerate whiney crap, cut us loose. We’re good to go. All other states wishing to join us may petition for admittance, if they love life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness without government regulating how much of those natural rights they think you can be trusted with because you’re too stupid to make your own decisions. All petitions will be considered based on the state’s willingness to abide strictly by the laws and principles outlined in the original Constitution and as understood by the much-smarter-than-progressives framers who knew what they meant when they wrote it and told us so. Start talkin’ government fixin’ anything the Constitution grants it no authority to do and you’ll be voted off the island. Otherwise, come on down! We’ll talk turkey. Wild Turkey too, or the Southern libation of your choice.

Oh! And businesses that haven’t already moved south from the collectivist confines of blue states are welcome. We’ll leave the porch light on.

    The carpet-bagging progs love to tell us Texans how bigoted we are, thus revealing the fact that they really don’t know shit about us. Have they ever even been here? Have they not noticed that nearly 40% of the population is of Hispanic heritage and there are huge numbers of mixed families and that nobody really gives a flip about the topic of race? Stupid effin’ progs always projecting their own vile shortcomings onto others.

      Not A Member of Any Organized Political in reply to Paul. | December 12, 2014 at 2:04 pm

      Those who do not study history in great detail will not know that segregation was a Northern institution imported into the South by their Carpet Bagger politicals during Reconstruction.

    Conservative Beaner in reply to HistoricalForensics. | December 10, 2014 at 7:42 pm

    I’ll second that. God, Guns and Gonads. For those who want it all given to them should petition to join Canada.

    Not all of Texas is on it’s own grid. A large portion of SE Texas shares the Lousy Anna grid.

As a native Texan as well, I say that #1 is big enough to have both Matthew McConaughey and Farrah Fawcett.

Michael Settle | December 11, 2014 at 7:28 am

This shows why New York needs to be 2 separate states . When 90 percent of the counties support republicans, why are they considered democratic.

    Spiny Norman in reply to Michael Settle. | December 11, 2014 at 10:54 pm

    The same could be said of California. And then some.

    TrooperJohnSmith in reply to Michael Settle. | December 12, 2014 at 12:03 pm

    No, we just need to repeal the 17th Amendment and give back the State Legislatures their RIGHT to appoint senators.

    The 17th Amendment is ANOTHER failed “Progressive” amendment. No wonder they started calling themselves “liberal” in the 1920s.

Ahem. Matthew McConaughey should be run out of Texas, or did you miss his shrill screed in Novembers GQ?

    TrooperJohnSmith in reply to Sian. | December 12, 2014 at 12:01 pm

    Oh, he’s just actin’ up. Probably just came off a three-day on tequila. Y’all know how that is. Makes ya kind ‘a edgy. He’ll be okay. 😆

    Not A Member of Any Organized Political in reply to Sian. | December 12, 2014 at 1:59 pm

    You mean “Geezer’s Quarterly?”

There’s nothin’ more relaxin’ than sittin’ on the back porch in Bluntstown, FL.

TrooperJohnSmith | December 12, 2014 at 11:58 am

Aw, hell no. We ain’t leavin’. We tried ‘at once’t and y’all drug us back, kickin’ and screamin’. Now, y’all gonna have to put up with us tellin’ and showin’ y’all how messed up you are “up there”. As yer cities rot, fall apart an’ crash with Democrats in charge, we’ll be here to give y’all a place to move to.

But do us a favor. Leave yer silly ass politics an’ “up north we did it like this” bullsh!t back there. We don’t need another Flawwwww-rida. An’ bring some more ‘a that damn good pizza with ya.

Until then, y’all be careful, and tell yer momma we asked about her.

I’ll just note one major flaw in the map: New Mexico should not be in the Free Market Jesus Paradise, as almost nothing in the state resembles a free market, and the Dimocrats mean to keep it that way.