The news item I would like to see, but never will:

In a stunning announcement, President Barack Obama and Vice President Joe Biden announced that they were selling their mansions (photos), and will donate the multi-million dollar proceeds to the federal government to help fund the stimulus package.

According to the President, “we all must sacrifice for the greater good. There is no reason Joe and I should maintain large mansions since we now are dependent on the federal government for our salaries. In fact, Joe has spent his entire adult life on the federal dole, so Joe’s mansion truly belongs to the people. As for me, I cannot ask Joe and the American people to sacrifice if I don’t.”

The President continued, “I’m also proposing legislation that will ban ex-Presidents, Cabinet members, members of the House of Representatives, and Senate, from earning money from speeches, consulting, lobbying, or any other profiting from their connections to the federal government. Anyone I appoint to the cabinet will have to disgorge all income they earned for the past three years from such activities.”

“I realize some may say this is unnecessary,” the President said, “but I feel it is only fair that I share even more of your pain. So Michelle is going to donate to the government the salary increase she received after I became Senator and arranged for an earmark for her employer. And Joe is going to go to his family members and demand that they donate all the money they have earned from lobbying. It’s the patriotic thing to do.”

According to witnesses, just after the President’s speech, the computer systems at the U.S Capitol and White House crashed as hundreds of Congressmen and Cabinet members simultaneously logged on to update their resumes, and dozens of limousines were seen heading towards the Virginia suburbs. It is not known at this time if there is a connection.