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Ted Cruz explains: How to make machine gun bacon

Ted Cruz explains: How to make machine gun bacon

The breakfast of champions?

Ever wondered how to make bacon without a frying pan or oven? Well wonder no more. Ted Cruz demonstrates how easy it is to cook bacon with a machine gun.

“Few things I enjoy more than on weekends, cooking breakfast with the family,” said Cruz. “Of course in Texas, we cook bacon a little differently than most folks.”

The recipe is quite simple:

Wrap raw bacon strips around a machine gun barrel, wrap foil around bacon, pop off a couple hundred rounds to get the barrel nice and hot. Unwrap bacon and enjoy!

Don’t have a machine gun? No worries. An AK-47 works just fine, too.

Is there a more American way to enjoy this breakfast (or anytime) favorite? I think not.

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If liberals’ heads were a necessary part of their anatomy, making them explode like this would be more helpful.

Makes for expensive bacon. Not sure Ted needs to show lack of fiscal concern.

So that’s why I became so hungry during my last trip to the gun range.

Not to split hairs, but Ted is using a semi-automatic AR-15, NOT a machine gun.

Saw a bumper sticker recently, picturing an AR-15, with the caption beneath:

“It’s because I’m black, isn’t it?”

Either that’s not a machine gun, or the selector was set to single-shot mode. It’s probably just an AR, which the hoplophobes all think is a machine gun, and calling it a machine gun here is un-helpful.

Well, that was silly.

So where does the machine gun come into it? That is not “machine gun fire” in the video.

You could probably cook a whole rasher of bacon using an air cooled 50 cal. From “ma deuce” to “ma bacon”.

    healthguyfsu in reply to faboutlaws. | August 4, 2015 at 12:20 pm

    See now this is thinking outside the box…leaner, meaner military like Obama said. Cutting down on energy costs and stowing the MREs to cook fresh bacon after a day’s work.

Interesting to see how this video sets off both the Left and the Right!


    healthguyfsu in reply to LCVRWC. | August 4, 2015 at 12:18 pm

    I was watching in horror thinking about what the spare pieces and bacon grease are going to do to that poor gun barrel.

      faboutlaws in reply to healthguyfsu. | August 4, 2015 at 1:03 pm

      The bacon grease won’t do anything to the gun. Wipe it off with a paper towel and go about your business. It might make the dog curious. I save all my bacon grease for cooking, but if I’m in a hurry and can’t find any of the dozen cans of WD-40 laying around, I’ll grab a finger full of the bacon grease and use it. It works OK. Years and years ago I was at mom’s house in Chicago getting my ’50 Panhead ready to go to a party in Atlanta and I couldn’t find fresh oil for my #50 rear chain so I just wiped the chain with a rag and did a rolling dip in mom’s can of bacon grease on the stove. If she would have caught me she’d of slapped me silly. I made it to Atlanta and back and that was really pushing it. When I got into her kitchen to do it again, she was there so I said “mom, can I have a small cup of bacon grease for this chain?” “Sure.” And she poured me some.

        tom swift in reply to faboutlaws. | August 5, 2015 at 1:52 pm

        Well, it’s certainly a better lubricant than WD-40.

        The only real problems with animal fat grease are that it attracts bugs, and can stink up a storm. In the Pacific the Japanese troops tended to slather fish oil on their rifles (and the stocks—due to some Mystery of the Orient they steered clear of the traditional boiled linseed oil). By some accounts, the odor of a stash of Arisaka rifles was overpowering.

      faboutlaws in reply to healthguyfsu. | August 5, 2015 at 1:17 pm

      Google Silver Bullet Gun Oil. It’s made with 13% rendered pig fat. They call it a counter islamic terrorist force multiplier. The stuff gets on the bullets and muslims believe that if they die with any pork product on them, they will not go to heaven. For years I have filled my hollow points with hard back fat. If you want your bullets to work on non-muslims, melt the backfat and mix in a small amount of human feces and fill your hollow points with that. The fat keeps the brown stuff from smelling and drying out. Its loaded with dangerous bacteria which will cause major, possibly fatal infection. Its like being gut shot.

He’s just demonstrating what the shoulder thing that goes up is actually for.

A friend’s son got a Letter of Reprimand for destruction of US Government property. He was a machine gunner in Sadr City and his spare barrel was on the other side of the road (inaccessible due to enemy fire), and with ambient temperature being a little hot and needing to put a lot of rounds downrange in a hurry (after all, that’s why one carries a machine gun), the barrel wasn’t able to dissipate heat as quickly as one might prefer. So it got glowing hot and melted (actually, warped a little bit). The good news is that the LOR is frameable, had no impact at all on his career, and I’m sure it will be a conversation piece for many years to come. I’m sure he wishes he had some bacon.

    Ragspierre in reply to jimb82. | August 4, 2015 at 2:56 pm

    The excellent German MG-42 (on which our M-60 is based) had to have barrel changes pretty often, due to its very high cyclical rate.

    Allied troops hated them, but learned to time assaults against them on expected barrel changes.

    tom swift in reply to jimb82. | August 5, 2015 at 1:35 pm

    his spare barrel was on the other side of the road (inaccessible due to enemy fire)

    That’s why he’s supposed to have a #2 guy—to chase after the spare barrel.

Why am I not surprised that a non-natural born citizen doesn’t know what a machine gun is?

    Milhouse in reply to Skookum. | August 4, 2015 at 4:44 pm

    That makes no sense. What difference does it make where he was born? He was raised entirely in Texas.

    For what it’s worth I’m sure he does know the definition of a machine gun, but for the purposes of this joke the only definition that matters is “scary gun like those scary people in Texas carry with them all the time because they’re scary”.

    platypus in reply to Skookum. | August 4, 2015 at 8:04 pm

    You stopped banging your head against the wall too soon. Get back there and finish the job. And I’ll let you know when you’re done.

    Barry in reply to Skookum. | August 4, 2015 at 10:10 pm

    Why am I not surprised that an idiot can’t get a good laugh.

I like guns, but I’m also a hot rodder at heart.

“Manifold Destiny: The One! The Only! Guide to Cooking on Your Car Engine!”

It’s much more practical to cook your meal on the car engine so it’s ready to eat when you arrive at the machine gun shoot.