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New J-Lo Movie Makes “First Edition ‘Iliad'” a Thing

New J-Lo Movie Makes “First Edition ‘Iliad'” a Thing

“Oh crap. Western Civilization is screwed. “

In 2015’s America, no one expects greatness from a romantic thriller starring Jennifer Lopez; but every once in a while, something makes its way into the genre that is so incredibly ridiculous we can’t help but serve it up for censure and recriminations.

Lopez’s latest flick, “The Boy Next Door,” has all the makings of a movie I’ll eventually catch on Netflix after a glass of wine or two:

When a handsome, charming teenager named Noah (Ryan Guzman) moves in next door, newly separated high-school teacher Claire Peterson (Jennifer Lopez) encourages his friendship and engages in a little bit of harmless — or so she thinks — flirtation. Although Noah spends much of the time hanging out with Claire’s son, the teen’s attraction to her is palpable. One night, Claire gives in to temptation and lets Noah seduce her — but when she tries to end the relationship, he turns violent.

Obviously ridiculous—but internet snarkfest WTFark found something tucked into the many layers of this catastrophe that takes us beyond “ridiculous” and into the realm of “America is over.”

Behold:

First edition “Iliad.”

First. Editiion. “Iliad.”

First…no. I can’t.

Oh my god is right. As in, “oh my God, we are literally doomed.”

The internet lost it:

I’ll leave it to the comments to decide whether or not we need to publish a review of this cinematic gem.

(Please say “yes,” commenters! Please say “yes!”)

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Comments

Oy.

And why was this ditz “Peterson” and not “Lopez” or “Perez”?

Not necessarily stupid:
First edition of the Alexander Pope translation, circa 1720?
First edition of the WHD Rouse translation, 1938?
First edition of the Robert Graves translation, 1958?

    DaveGinOly in reply to pst314. | February 4, 2015 at 2:20 pm

    My personal favorite is the Richmond Lattimore translation, because of his interpretation of Achilles’ speech to Hector in Book 22(260):
    “Then looking darkly at him swift-footed Achilleus answered…”

    tom swift in reply to pst314. | February 4, 2015 at 3:02 pm

    As I recall, the Robert Graves translation has a different title. Mainly because that’s Robert Graves for you, but in this case it actually makes some sense.

    Graves, Samuel Butler, Pope, Lattimore … those are all I have within reach without getting up to look. There’s TE Shaw, too (that Lawrence of Arabia guy) but I think he only did an Odyssey.

    I don’t really see the big faux pas here.

Henry Hawkins | February 4, 2015 at 2:20 pm

First edition isn’t enough info. As long as no changes are made in the text, any second, third, fourth printings, etc., by the same publisher are still considered part of the first edition. So, it’s technically possible if highly unlikely. Heh, the copyright page would have to read something like 1st Edition / 2,438th Printing all by the same publisher, lol. I doubt they did the research. Movies destined for Lifetime are seldom historically accurate.

“Sing, Oh Goddess, of the hubris of an unknown blogger at WTFark who brought measureless embarrassment upon the OraTVians…”

I R A Darth Aggie | February 4, 2015 at 2:45 pm

I’m not going to raise too much of a fuss.

Would you turn your nose up at a first edition Bible? I wouldn’t. I would also expect it to either be a forgery or stolen. No one just stumbles on a Guttenberg Bible.

And so we see that according to Wikipedia that the first English translation of the Illiad was printed in 14 parts beginning in 1598. That probably wasn’t it. But that doesn’t preclude it being a first edition of a given person’s translation.

Translating poetry from one language to another is…a challenging task.

Better call Homer’s agent, Swifty the Greek.

What would you expect from people crass enough to make a movie with such a wretched story line. There’s no accounting for stupid.

Actually, I don’t think we’re giving the movie producers enough credit. The credited screenwriter is Barbara Curry, and here’s her fascinating bio:

“Barbara Curry holds a J.D. from Northwestern University School of Law and an MFA in Screenwriting from UCLA. She was an Assistant U.S. Attorney in downtown Los Angeles for nearly a decade, working in the Major Violent Crimes Unit on federal cases that included murder-for-hire, prison murder, racketeering, arson, kidnapping, and bank robbery. She has taught criminal procedure at FBI Headquarters in Quantico, VA, and advanced trial advocacy at the U.S Justice Department in Washington, D.C.” See http://www.imdb.com/name/nm3204152/bio?ref_=nm_ov_bio_sm
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt3181822/fullcredits?ref_=tt_ov_st_sm

Given Ms. Curry’s background, I think it’s entirely credible that she knows exactly what a “first edition Iliad” is, and is probably referring to one of its English translations. (Indeed, maybe she’s a fan of John Keats, who immortalized George Chapman’s translations of Homer in his poem, “On First Looking into Chapman’s Homer.” See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/On_First_Looking_into_Chapman's_Homer.)

Of course, it’s also possible that I’m so enamored of Jennifer Lopez that I’d defend *anything* she did. But even given that possibility, I think I’m correct that “The Boy Next Door” does NOT signify that “America is over.”

Give me a few days and I can find a first edition of Gilgamesh.

Given that the Iliad is over 2,700 years old, and that -according to Wiki- “the editio princeps dates to 1488, printed by Demetrius Chalcondyles in Florence,” I am forced to conclude that the script writers were, in fact, idiots.

    JPL17 in reply to Casey. | February 4, 2015 at 5:22 pm

    “I am forced to conclude that the script writers were, in fact, idiots.”

    I think you might be wrong. Based on her bio, the credited script writer doesn’t sound like an idiot at all:

    “Barbara Curry holds a J.D. from Northwestern University School of Law and an MFA in Screenwriting from UCLA. She was an Assistant U.S. Attorney in downtown Los Angeles for nearly a decade, working in the Major Violent Crimes Unit on federal cases that included murder-for-hire, prison murder, racketeering, arson, kidnapping, and bank robbery. She has taught criminal procedure at FBI Headquarters in Quantico, VA, and advanced trial advocacy at the U.S Justice Department in Washington, D.C.” See http://www.imdb.com/name/nm3204152/bio?ref_=nm_ov_bio_sm
    http://www.imdb.com/title/tt3181822/fullcredits?ref_=tt_ov_st_sm

      forksdad in reply to JPL17. | February 5, 2015 at 5:49 pm

      Lots of people are idiots about subjects they know nothing about. She should stick to law. Sounds like the dumbest premise for a movie I’ve ever heard anyway. What, was the Mary Kay Letourneau story taken?

        JPL17 in reply to forksdad. | February 5, 2015 at 11:57 pm

        You’re ignoring the fact that she received an MFA in screenwriting from UCLA. Anyone who has done that has studied classical storytelling, including the Iliad.

        Call her an idiot all you want; I’m sure she knows a lot more about the Iliad than you or I do.

Not just literally screwed.

Literarily screwed. 😉

(Holy crap! “Literarily” did not trip the spell checker! It saw this coming!)

I sense the presence of Bill S. Preston, Esq. and Theodore Logan.

2nd Ammendment Mother | February 4, 2015 at 6:07 pm

“Although Noah spends much of the time hanging out with Claire’s son, the teen’s attraction to her is palpable. One night, Claire gives in to temptation and lets Noah seduce her — but when she tries to end the relationship, he turns violent.”……

Is this where Instapundit steps in with something snarky about JLo promoting sexual exploitation of young boys by adult women? because if you put the same movie together and replaced JLo with Brad Pitt having an affair with his daughter’s manipulative friend – the main character would be arrested and publicly crucified.

Henry Hawkins | February 4, 2015 at 9:15 pm

Rags told me it plays like a MILF porn vid.

Come on, guys! This is a JOKE! Right? I mean, it’s GOTTA BE a joke, right?

The thing I find more interesting is the teacher/young man plot line. Is this an attempt to explain away all the teacher peccadilloes?

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