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There is no such thing as “rape-ish”

There is no such thing as “rape-ish”

Listen up, ladies.

A story of rape is a story of power, degradation, and disrespect. It’s the kind of story that makes you want—no, need—to shower with a lye bar and Brillo pad after you’ve heard it.

A story that ends with, “and it was pretty much rape” has the same effect on me, but for a completely different reason.

We have another he-said-she-said nightmare hitting the news out of Virginia. A John Doe and former Washington & Lee student has filed a federal lawsuit claiming that the university expelled and discriminated against him in order to avoid negative attention, and that W&L Title IX officer Lauren Kozak routinely counsels female students that “regret equals rape.”

Here we go again. Same song, different verse:

John Doe claims that twice, he had consensual sex with a student identified in the lawsuit as Jane Doe. The first encounter occurred in his room at the Pi Kappa Phi fraternity house where they went after an off-campus party on Feb. 8. Both had been drinking, he said.

He claims they sat on chairs in his room and talked for about an hour. He said Jane Doe then said that while she doesn’t usually have sex with a man when she first meets him, she found him very interesting. He said she moved toward him, initiated kissing, took off her clothes except for her underwear and got into bed with him. He said at no point did she say she did not want to have sex.

He claims she spent the night, that he contacted her later through Facebook and that they had sex again in early March. He said she told her friends she had a good time. But at a Pi Kappa Phi St. Patrick’s Day party a few weeks later, Jane Doe left when she saw him kissing another woman, who is now his girlfriend.

Well, haven’t we all been there.

It wasn’t until July that Jane Doe told a friend that she was sexually assaulted, the lawsuit claims. Then in October, Jane Doe, as a member of a student organization against sexual assault called SPEAK, attended a presentation by W&L Title IX officer Lauren Kozak. According to the lawsuit, Kozak shared an article, “Is it possible that there is something in between consensual sex and rape … and that it happens to almost every girl out there?”

Ah. Shot and chaser.

Here’s a snippet from the article Kozak allegedly shared, from the indefatigably bro “Total Sorority Move”:

I woke up with an “oh shit” feeling that quickly turned into an “oh well.” I didn’t really feel I’d been violated, though part of me knew I had. I wasn’t mad. I wasn’t hurt. I didn’t want vengeance. I didn’t even feel weird around him soon after. I didn’t feel much of anything. I certainly didn’t feel like I’d been raped. But what had happened the night prior was not consensual sex, and I didn’t like it. I wanted the flirting. I wanted the kissing. I wanted the sleepover. But I didn’t want to go all the way. And that’s very hard to explain to a man who is just as drunk as you are.

There is not a word for my experience. The fact that there’s not a word for it makes us feel like it doesn’t exist. Or maybe there’s not a word for it because we’re pretending it doesn’t exist. But this weird place in between consensual sex and rape? It’s there. It does exist. And it’s happening all the time. As it turns out, almost every woman I spoke to had been there at some point or another…

“Oh shit”? Sure enough. “Oh well”? That comes later, followed closely by the return of self-respect. Rape? Not even close. There’s not a single word that indicates that the writer even gave a hint that she didn’t want to have sex with this man, and now he’s the subject of a popular article allegedly being used as an example of what a near-rapist looks like.

Rapist. Monster. Criminal.

The W&L President’s Office released a blog post soon after the UVA Rolling Stone article first broke. In part (emphasis mine):

Here at Washington and Lee, we have spoken in the past about rape and sexual misconduct. We have carefully and continually examined and refined our processes and procedures for dealing with cases and for educating students to prevent such intolerable behavior from occurring. We have asserted our community’s values and stressed how disrespect for others for any reason is simply not acceptable.

These most recent discussions serve to remind us that we must always be willing to ask the hard questions and continually examine our approaches.

But we can never say this enough: Mistreatment of others is wrong by any standard of our society, by any standard of right or wrong. It is especially wrong in this community, where we — rightly — insist on developing within our students the moral obligation to treat others with respect at all times and under all conditions; where we demand that members of our community never stand idly by when we see others violate those values. It is wrong anywhere. It is especially wrong at this university.

The problem is that we’ve misplaced our standard of right and wrong. It’s wrong to hold other people responsible ex post facto for the choices we make. It’s wrong to paint them as rapists when there has been no rape. And most importantly, it’s wrong to attempt to manipulate women into believing they have no power over their own sexuality.

Rape is a serious accusation that deserves serious attention, not navel-gazing articles about how grossed out you need to be about last night’s mistake to be able to blame him for your poor choices:

We don’t feel entirely violated. It doesn’t affect us forever. We just feel like we got the short end of the stick, and that sometimes, we have to do something we don’t want to do, out of politeness or social obligation. So why bring it up? Why risk wrongfully tagging a guy with a serious, heavy label he doesn’t deserve? And more importantly, why risk being wrongfully tagged as “the girl who cried rape,” when we’re not trying to say it was rape at all? We’re saying we don’t know what it was. We just didn’t like it. But by refusing to acknowledge the existence of these rape-ish situations, we’re continuing to subject ourselves to them indefinitely.


The words we use to describe things like rape, or uncomfortable touching, or even regrettable sex have the power to shape the lives and futures of other human beings, and it’s time for a little more precision.

Like I said, rape is a serious accusation, and I hope that the people at Washington & Lee give both John and Jane Doe the time and attention that the situation deserves; but if more information comes out about official resources being used to blur the line between consent and criminal sexual assault, I can’t say I’ll be shocked.

This is a serious allegation, and if it’s true, W&L will have more to answer for than yet another flawed student misconduct hearing system.


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Coming soon: pregnantish”

I would say I’m surprised, but I’ve come to understand that the main purpose of the modern university is to indoctrinate “students” in the world of marx. Every socialist/Marxist tactic is honed and developed at these fetid places.

    Estragon in reply to Barry. | December 20, 2014 at 12:39 am

    The ‘regret rape’ accusation is the equivalent of public denunciations in communist regimes. The accused is stripped of his position, rights, and powers, and sometimes criminally prosecuted and imprisoned and/or property confiscated.

    That is what is happening to these men under Obama’s perversion of Title IX. They get kicked out of school and no only have trouble getting into another equally selective school, but may also lose job and scholarship opportunities without the due process of law.

    You’ve hit the nail on the head here. That is EXACTLY what this is.

“Rape is a serious accusation that deserves serious attention, not navel-gazing articles about how grossed out you need to be about last night’s mistake to be able to blame him for your poor choices.”

And, that’s the essence of what this alleged, totally factually unsupported allegation of a rape “epidemic” on college campuses boils down to — sexually mature but emotionally and intellectually immature women who are unable and/or unwilling to hold themselves to account for poor choices and judgments fully made of their own volition, without a scintilla of duress or coercion exerted upon them. The accusation of rape or sexual assault is a means of retrospective absolution for one’s own ill-advised choices, an avoidance of assuming personal responsibility for own’s wilfully-made choices.

At work here is the same poisonous paternalism that the Left has used to characterize blacks in American society over decades, casting them as infantilized serf-savages who are incapable of comporting their behavior in accordance with legal and societal norms. Implicit in this attitude, of course is an implicit racism that is masked as paternalistic “benevolence.” Just examine the article penned by the Georgetown University student who, after he was mugged by two blacks, felt the need to absolve his attackers of any personal responsibility for their actions, while castigating himself for being the beneficiary of “white privilege.”

“I hope that the people at Washington & Lee give both John and Jane Doe the time and attention that the situation deserves;…”

I think the time and attention this crap deserves is however long it takes to cut this plaintiff a fat seven figure check and tuition refunds to every poor doofuss who was ever accused by these special little female snowflakes.

IMO, this is what happens when college tries to play parent. How about this – change the student handbook to read “if you think you’ve been assaulted, dial 911. Do not expect admin to play justice department. And use alcohol rarely and sparingly.”

Probity would not allow one to be involved in one night stands. Her actions speak of her lack of moral character. How sad.

No feminist ‘every woman a victim’ contortion can expel the emotional effects of bad moral decisions.

What she feels is the shame, guilt and the emotional consequences of her own actions and not rape.

Last night the Colbert Repor declared that a revolution is a circular trip of 360 degrees and it returns one to the place one began. When the Sexual Revolution began, the prevailing standard was that these kinds of intimacies were to be reserved for persons committed to each other in marriage. If the old standard was an oppressive tyranny to be rejected out of hand, it seems the Revolution’s destination is tyranny yet again. The old standard seems to be far more appealing than the mess we have now.

It is pretty obvious that the notion of ‘personal responsibility’ is some old, quaint, and no doubt patriarchal concept that has no place in our modern, enlightened society.

I was talking with someone today about sex and alcohol- actually about some jokes about sex and alcohol that are really observations. Actually, there are a bunch of jokes with the same question but different punchlimes. The two we talked about:

Why was alcohol invented?
Ans. 1: So ugly women could also get laid.
Ans. 2: So Catholic girls could get laid, too.

Difference between the answers. The first answer, sometimes referred to as beer goggles, distorts man’s judgement. I’ve heard an awful lot of guys say, “I’ve never gone to bed with an ugly woman, but I’ve sure woken up with some.” The second answer shows it loosens inhibitions, and is indeed imbibed just for that reason by many. They have always been able to use the excuse later, “Well, I was drunk when I was with him…” (Similar to the ugly woman line.)

Today, the girl being drunk can declare after the fact, “I was raped. I wouldn’t have been with him sober!” But the guy, no, he may have been drunk, but he still took advantage of the ugly woman for his pleasure, she had nothing to do with it, whether or not she was drinking. No way could she take advantage of his altered perception.

Alcohol is consumed in group situations and at parties for one reason and one reason alone- it loosens people up, and allows them to do things they might not consider without the altered consciousness that alcohol produces. Blaming 1/2 the population for all the bad decisions made under the influence and holding the other half harmless is just plain out wrong. Both halves are drinking for the same reason. After drinking regrets should not be criminalized.

Phillep Harding | December 19, 2014 at 5:28 pm

Drunk. Sleep-over with a young man.

But did not want sex.

Welcome to the world of victimhood! Women are being taught to become victims and to demand reparations from someone with money. Responsibility is dead and as we have seen with obama and hillary they are never at fault nor or their ideas. Its always someone else’s fault or the people don’t understand. Universities are criminal by their behavior and the lessons taught there are lead to a very uncivil society.

Andrea Dworkin lives!

“There is not a word for my experience. ”

Yes, there is a word for that experience –> MISTAKE. How many of us haven’t made one when it comes to sex. Yes it sucks but we deal with it and move on.

ugottabekiddinme | December 19, 2014 at 8:40 pm

RE: the picture. What are “assauts?”

RE: the picture.

Any guesses? Is that a “male” or female body part?

There is a word for it. Sluttiness. If you don’t behave like a slut, you don’t wake up in bed with people you regret later.

I have nothing against sluttiness, and I don’t intend to disparage it. Many guys like slutty women. It’s how they both get laid. It makes for a lot of casual sex. But don’t assume sex is just some pleasurable viscous friction of the nether bits. It is deceivingly dangerous that way. Even casual sex can have profound psychological overtones. Take responsibility for your own overtones. If you are pretending to be an adult, pretend all the way.

You both were drunk, you led him on with flirting and kissing , you stripped to your skivvies, you hopped in the sack with him – what exactly were you expecting, dearie? Tiddlywinks?

One would hope that a college student would have more common sense, or at least worldly wisdom. Apparently not ~

School administrations need to be prosecuted for hindering prosecution when applicable. Students need to be told by the administration that they are actually in the real world and that the campus Fantasy Land is not the place to adjudicate crime.