I’m an avid online shopper, particularly during this time of year. I also think Amazon Prime is one of God’s greatest modern gifts to mankind.
A few weeks ago I was perusing through the endless Amazon offerings when I stumbled upon an option to view the best selling items by category.
Both horrifying and delightful, I’ve compiled a list of what are some of the most, shall we say “interesting”, Amazon best sellers.
While a nice little wine bottle vacuum sealer is Amazon’s top seller in this department, enough people are buying Obama toilet paper for the item to be listed as the 17th best seller in the entirety of home and kitchen wares. Interestingly enough, this same item is the 13th best seller in the Bedding and Bath department. In sum, people like Obama toilet paper.
Liquid ASS managed to outrank an indoor snowball fight kit. What is Liquid Ass? you ask. The product description claims, “once unleashed, this power-packed, super-concentrated liquid begins to evaporate filling the air with a genuine, foul butt-crack smell with hints of dead animal.” If you order quickly, your loved ones will be able to enjoy the holiday season with their very own bottle of Liquid Ass. But you’ll have to wrap it yourself. Amazon does not offer gift wrapping for this particular item.
Beauty products — not just for the ladies. Beards have their own product lines designed to keep them in tip top shape. I’m not shy about my love of beards (provided they’re on men). They’re hot. So I wholly endorse this trend and also good beard maintenance. And for all the concerned hippies out there, this beard balm is also organic, vegan, and probably made with tears of chipmunks to provide a little extra shine.
So this exists. And people buy it. Lots of it. I think I’ll let the product description do the talking for this one, “some say the secret to a happy relationship is separate bathrooms, but those people have never tried Poo~Pourri, the classy, sassy, ultra effective way to leave the bathroom smelling better than you found it.”
I thought I’d clicked on “Instruments for Performing Enhanced Interrogation” when I came across this giant pile of LEGOs. Don’t get me wrong, I loved LEGOs when I was a kid. But this giant box of randomized toy bricks looks more like the makings of a maniacal revenge device than an educational tool. Forget a border fence, DHS should order a couple hundred boxes of these puppies and create a firewalk of LEGOs on our national borders. Problem.Solved.
Car costumes. And I thought putting animals in costumes was as low as humanity was willing to go, hilarious, but also probably terrible. However, if you put a costume on your car, there’s a very good chance you are history’s greatest monster.
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