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A Coffee mandate leaves me unsatisfied

A Coffee mandate leaves me unsatisfied

There’s a lot of talk today about imposing a coffee mandate on employers, including Mormon institutions which oppose the use of caffeine, because of the health benefits of coffee.

Not enough.

It must be a “good coffee” mandate.

We have something here that’s free and they call “coffee,” but the lab tests have not come back yet on whether it is coffee, chemically speaking.  (Yes, I’ve seen the labels on the small bags containing the substance, but I’m not yet convinced.)

Even if I am currently receiving coffee benefits for free, I insist upon free good coffee, because to do otherwise would be to deprive me of choice.

Keep your hands off my coffee (except when you pay for it)!

I have rights!


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So tired of hearing about contraceptives /health care as a basic human right, especially from some liberal activist Hoochy Mama.

How about we talk about real constitutional rights and government mandated entitlements…

Ammo is too expensive, and may soon be in short supply!

LukeHandCool | March 12, 2012 at 1:53 pm

You should demand Aroma Cafe coffee, and no less.

As I always say,

If cheap condoms aren’t good enough for Fluke, cheap Java ain’t good enough for Jacobson.

If I were you, if they refuse your demand for Aroma Cafe coffee, I would threaten to perform an excrutiatingly nauseating and embarrassing dance and song performance every day until they relent.

Danish or DIE…!!!

No bear-claws…no peace…!!!

Forget the coffee.

I’m gonna hold out for a therapeutic 60 foot yacht

VetHusbandFather | March 12, 2012 at 2:10 pm

The ironic part is that there is this wonderful alternative to coffee called ‘water’ that is in fact even more beneficial to your health and doesn’t cost any money. You just have to deal with the fact that its not as ‘fun’ as drinking coffee.

So sorry to hear of your coffee impulsive/compulsive disorder prof as I am a fellow sufferer.

I demand that nothing but the finest Colombian grind be delivered to my door daily freshly brewed and without limit.

I am a victim of guv’ment oppression dammit and I am demanding reparations for all those years that I was denied such service along with free counseling and medical support!

Ah demands mah rhats…

Vitamin C is a necessity; where is my free government-provided orange juice.

All of you are thinking inside the box. Consider the benefits of sex. Sex is heart healthy. Sex reduces stress, which in turn reduces obesity. Sex boosts immunity. Sex is good exercise, which has many of its own benefits. Sex is a pain-killer; the raise in endorphins reduces the need to take pain killers (otherwise known as schedule II drugs which doctors are imprisoned for prescribing too frequently). Sex reduces prostate cancer risk, reducing the epidemic of prostate cancer amongst older males. Sex helps you sleep better, which provides a host of benefits all on its own.

Given all of these provable health benefits, it is clear that we need another mandate–people are required to engage in sex twice a week. Even though some people are morally opposed to sex (nuns, priests, monks), their personal inclinations cannot stop reasonable efforts to improve the health of the population at large. And, anyway, most of those people will have had sex in their past so forcing them to have sex now doesn’t infringe on any truly held beliefs.

For those without intimate partners–or those whose partners are unavailable, such as because of work, travel, or hospitalization–I propose that the federal government extend AmeriCorps (pronounced “AmeriCore” for the foreigners reading this) to include sex workers. These workers would be paid to provide provable health benefits to American residents unable to arrange for sex on their own for the reasons listed above.

Discrimination, that’s what it is, furr shurr.

So why aren’t there any brave GUYS “testifying” before these Potemkin “committees” about the lack of free condoms so support their recreational college life? Hmmm??? (A tad too risky for the average neutered Metro-sexual?)

As another weblog has pointed out, what about subsidies to support our Second Amendment “rights” as well? What about a nice, free little 357 Magnum or a 1911 .45? Or maybe just free access to an unlimited amount of ammunition?

After all, if the Gummint declares it’s “free” then there is absolutely no cost whatsoever for the free lunch, gahrohnteed. Reel intellijint eeeleetes (our inteelekchual and moral “betters”) have spoken and they all be such so much more gooder smarter that we knuckle-draggin’ bumpkins is.

We’ll all just pull a Linda Carter/Butterfly McQueen amalgam and flutter our little eyelashes while gushing forth our “don’t know nuthin’ ’bout [fill-in-the-blank]” professing our unquestioning deference to the wisdom of our Nanny State to take care of us.

LukeHandCool | March 12, 2012 at 2:22 pm

Professor Bell was said to be working on a “Critical Coffee Theory” at the time of his death.

It’s true. Just ask Soledad O’Brien … or whoever is talking into her earpiece at the time.

MaggotAtBroadAndWall | March 12, 2012 at 2:45 pm

Our government must mandate not only “good” coffee, but the most expensive coffee in the world. It’s called Kopi Luwak. What makes it so awesome? The coffee beans are first eaten by a rodent-like creature called a civet. Only after the civet defecates the beans are they gathered up and brewed. True story. Yummmmyy!

Can’t wait to get me some of that government mandated critter poop coffee.

I remember coffee. I had a half a cup back in 1985. Absolutely vile. (I had to stay awake all night to get some important work done, so someone suggested I turn to coffee. But the substance was so disgusting that I opted instead for the old thing called “will power” to make sure I finished my tasks.)

Somehow, hearing people say, “If I stop drinking it I’ll get headaches” fails to sell me on its “benefits.”

I totally agree with the coffee mandate…wonderful idea. I would like to add bacon to the mandate if I could. I read this on another blog, but it makes sense to me. I should be able to have my BLT whenever I want it, and I think restaurants and sandwich shops be required by government edict to serve my meat candy no matter what their religious beliefs are, and I would also like that bacon free. Since the price of bacon has gone so high, it puts a hardship on me to buy it. You can see the stress on my face from trying to manage my budget to afford those crisp slices of pork ecstasy, and I see the same stress on the faces of others I pass on the street. Anyone who opposes paying for my free bacon shall be scorned as waging a war on my taste buds.

Next, Obama will mandate that everyone buy a Chevy Volt.

SoCA Conservative Mom | March 12, 2012 at 3:58 pm

My former employer provided free quality coffee, sodas and bottled water to all employees. As much as the employee wanted, no restrictions. The problem wasn’t in the lunch room, it was the disfunctional leadership at the top.

i am throwing my name in as coffee czar.

My goodness, how soon “we,” meaning you all, forget. Back in the early days of this here Republic, some states had state religions; I seem to recall that Virginia was one such state, perhaps endorsing the Episcopal Church.

Also, some histories have stated that there was a firearms mandate, requiring citizens to have a firearm and its ammunition on hand.

Those were the days, good people, let’s get’em back.

I R A Darth Aggie | March 12, 2012 at 4:34 pm

Were is my bourbon mandate?

And to steal an idea, I’ll be the bourbon czar. And when I die, I want a good Viking funeral. Just stay back, the flames might get a bit intense.

True Story in the last couple days

Detroit gas station owner gets in and argument with a customer over the price of condoms, customer wanted to pay $1 for the condom, store owner wanted $1.50…

The customer knocked over the Little Debbie stand and the store owner shoots the customer in the shoulder killing him dead.

Nothing phases me coming out of Detroit these days, however I am disturbed about the war on Little Debbie.
I and Little Debbie have had a thing going on for quite some time now ..*sigh

    OcTEApi in reply to OcTEApi. | March 12, 2012 at 6:21 pm

    The dude (black) paid $1.50 then demanded money back because in his mind convenience store customers should only pay 1 dollar for a condom…

    …I implore you to try to go into any store and demand a price roll back, argue create a ruckus, knock over some displays when you’re denied.
    My guess is that you’ll be at minimum tasered by your local PD and dragged away in cuffs…

    The store clerk fired two shots, one hit the man in the shoulder and his friends transported him to the hospital (don’t call 911 in Detroit, that’s the number to call if you’re in need for a tow truck and they’ll respond about as fast) where he died.
    The friends and family of the man are engaged in a street protest boycott of the gas station, demanding the station close “out of respect” for the condom perp, the store has complied and shut down for few days.

Finally! An entitlement I can get behind! 🙂

I think you’re all thinking too small. Clearly it’s important for children to spend time with their parents, and we need more young ‘uns to pay for social security. So: as long as a parent has a child under 10, they should be given a stipend equal the max income they ever achieved, so they can stay home and emotionally nurture the child. And of course this should encourage more sex (as mentioned above, it has clear health benefits), plus more children (thus lowering long-term govt debt and allowing for more govt spending). Now I’m sure even the Liberals could get on board a program that encourages more sex and govt spending, all at the same time 🙂

[…] William Jacobson says: I insist upon free good coffee, because to do otherwise would be to deprive me of […]

Coffee is the best thing to douse the sunrise with.
~Drew Sirtors

Stop giving Obama ideas for more mandates! If your suggestion looks like it will help pull in another 10 or 20 voters, he’s going to act on it. As for paying for all of this, aren’t some of his people saying they need to figure out how to get gas to 8 dollars a gallon?

Today’s Fortune Cookie:
“Doc’s pack a day habit will pay for your cup of joe”

nordic_prince | March 12, 2012 at 10:47 pm

Forget coffee – some of us, regardless of calendar age, will never be old enough to drink that foul brew. I prefer my caffeine in the form of Coke, thankyewveddymuch.

Great post. More and more Americans are flunking Freedom 101 because they confuse rights and entitlements. Poor schooling and the ignorant, biased media have muddled, or never conveyed, this distinction

The mistaking of entitlements for rights is all the more ironical because, in general, citizens lose rights in proportion to the number of entitlements they receive. Governments generate no wealth on their own, but must take it from private citizens or groups in the form of fees and taxation. So for one person or group to receive benefits from the government, another must be deprived of his most fundamental right, the right of private property