Nothing to see here, move along.
The head of the U.S. National Counter-Terrorism Center told lawmakers on Wednesday that the deadly attack on Sept. 11 that claimed the lives of the U.S. ambassador to Libya and three aides was a “terrorist” strike. But the official, Matt Olsen, said evidence so far suggests it was not planned in advance.
Olsen told the Senate Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs Committee that investigators were “looking at indications” that some of those who carried out the bloody assault on the American consulate in Libya’s eastern city of Benghazi had “connections” to al-Qaeda, including a regional offshoot, Al-Qaeda in the Islamic Maghreb (AQIM).
Ambassador Chris Stevens and three aides “were killed in the course of a terrorist attack,” Olsen told the committee.
But “what we don’t have, at this point, is specific intelligence that there was significant advanced planning or coordination for this attack,” he said. “The best information we have now, the facts that we have now, indicate that this was an opportunistic attack.”
In other words:
EXT. AMERICAN CONSULATE, BENGHAZI - DAY
An angry crowd, incensed by a youtube video that none of them have actually seen because wireless is a Zionist plot that costs two goats a month, mills around shaking their fists and shouting slogans.
CROWD Death to the Great Satan! Behead those who insult the prophet! Programs, get yer programs here….
Jostling for position, TWO MEN, ABDUL and ABDUL, bump accidentally—then recognize each other.
ABDUL Yes. Is that you, too, Abdul?
They embrace and face each other.
ABDUL Oh, Abdul, you’re a sight for eyes that have had acid poured in them for gazing on cartoons of the prophet.
ABDUL My friend, I haven’t seen you since the al Qaeda family picnic back in Kandahar.
ABDUL Oh, what a day that was, huh? We beheaded and slow roasted six infidel Christians.
ABDUL No, no, Abdul, you are not remembering correctly. We did not behead and slow roast. We slow roasted and then beheaded.
ABDUL Yes, how right you are. Their screams were so delicious. Allahu akhbar! (beat) So, what are you doing here?
ABDUL What am I doing here? What are you doing here? What are we all doing here?
ABDUL Party time!!!
The crowd has gotten particularly rowdy, so the men stop for a moment to join a chant.
ABDULS Death to infidels!
Abdul turns to Abdul.
ABDUL So, what are you doing tonight after the demonstration?
ABDUL I’m have to go to my cousin Abdul’s house. Stupid guy thought he was was buying one RPG on Amazon but entered 100 in the quantity window and now they won’t take them back. Some day I’m going to cut that Jeff Bezos’ head off with a dull credit card.
ABDUL Wait, you mean to tell me that your cousin Abdul has 100 RPGs that he doesn’t know what to do with?
Abdul ponders this. He looks over at the crowd, then at the consulate, back at the crowd, back to the consulate.
You can almost see the light go on over his head.
ABDUL I know what we can do with those RPGs!
ABDUL You do? What?
Abdul leans over and whispers into Abdul’s ear. Abdul’s eyes widen.
ABDUL You are a genius, Abdul. Allah willing, may none of your 72 virgins look like my cousin Abdullah.
ABDUL Come, let’s climb on my donkey to get the RPGs and start the attack. What an opportunity!