My modest proposal.

K. McCaffrey — Since the 1980s, when one third of their population fell below the poverty line, the nation of Ireland has seen tremendous growth. This is a testament to the glory of a nation of people who had been purged of autonomy for hundreds of years. In fact, Ireland was one of the richest countries in the world in 2006. Maybe that had something to do with a fifth of the workforce employed to build houses; or that rents had fallen to less than one percent of the purchase price; or that in ten years lending to construction had risen from eight percent of Irish lending to twenty-eight percent. Really, though, it just seems like the Irish were destined for prosperity. Finally, after years of turmoil, the Irish had had financial greatness thrust upon them! Nearly ninety percent of the country owned homes! People were migrating to the once misfortunate nation. Ireland was vindicated!

Now it seems like the rest of Europe has decided to ruin the party for the Irish. The Polish workers, who had come in throngs to build Irish homes, left, the recipients of generous Irish loans during the 90s are ungrateful cheaters, and greedy bankers looked to soak money from the government to stay afloat. The Irish once again fell victim to external forces, subjugated by the death pact that is the European Union since the rest of Europe has decided to be jealous and not play with Irish banks, who may have fallen into a rough patch or two. Their triumph of home ownership and economic prowess has been taken away from the people; touted for being so fast, so elastic, that only the word “bubble” could describe their growth!

If the past thirty years of Irish history shows us anything, though, it’s simply that the Irish cannot survive amongst Europeans. No, the people of Europe are far too threatened by the Irish people’s clever dispositions, renowned educated class, and resilience to being deterred by large statistical odds against them. The Irish are doomed to be cut down by the legs from their neighbors, even when it is so obvious that they are the exception to the rule of bloated European welfare states.

So what are they to do? The Irish cannot change the agenda of its European partners, nor can it trust its politicians, who carry on the legacy of British governance. The Irish people must band together and do what they do best by serving the rest of the world with the utmost selflessness. By opening the world’s largest island resort, Ireland will not have to kowtow to arbitrary continental standards, nor will they have to worry about buying up the country from one another. If Al Gore’s predictions are even close to true, the Irish and Russians are sitting on prime real estate for beachfront vacation investment. Shareholders from around the globe could reap the benefits of the Celtic Tiger yet again instead of acting so jealous and vindictive.

The Irish are above the whole “self-governance” business. Why bother doing that when they have a true talent in extracting money from other people?