First draft of Obama’s upcoming State of the Union Address, as edited by the White House communications team:
My Fellow Americans,
I have a plan, but I can’t tell you about it because you are worried aboutjobs . If I really cared what you thought aboutjobs , I would have focused onjobs from day one instead of Obamacare. But one of myjobs was to transform the nation regardless of what you thought, so yourjobs really didn’t matter to me.
Talking aboutjobs , the Stimulus Plan saved or created millions ofjobs , but thejobs now are gone because the federal funding of thejobs is gone. And now that the Republicans control the House, the loss of thosejobs will be blamed by my campaign team on Republicans, who not only want you to die quickly, they want you to lose yourjobs quickly.
You see, I’m smarter than you; the whole saved or createdjobs thing really was just a distraction to make you think I cared aboutjobs when all I really cared about was social change and restructuring society into my vision of America. And if puffing up somejobs numbers was the cover I needed to transform society, those phonyjobs numbers were worth the effort.
I have severaljobs remaining in the next six years. Among thejobs I have assigned to myself is to finish off the private health insurance industry, which may result in the loss ofjobs but those sort ofjobs are evil.
As to cap-and-trade, I know that opposition based on the loss ofjobs has sunk the legislation, but one of thejobs of the EPA is to destroyjobs through regulations. And let me give a shout-out to the Mountaineer State. How’s that Manchin vote working out for your coal miningjobs ?.
One of thejobs of the Interior and Energy Departments is to passjobs destroying domestic energy production regulations similar to the EPA’sjobs destroying energy consumption regulations. Theirjobs work together in brutal harmony to destroy non-greenjobs so that we can build an economy based on the economic fiction of greenjobs . And you will buy right into it, because you are stupid. As to the deficit, who cares, since it will not affectjobs in Washington, D.C. In fact, the more we spend the morejobs I can give out to law professors whosejobs it will be to create more federal governmentjobs for people whosejobs will be to destroy private sectorjobs.
And the national debt, forgettaboutit. The people in this administration whosejobs are to destroy private sectorjobs will be long gone from theirjobs before we reach the national debt tipping point. And when that day comes, you will be sneaking across the border into Mexico seekingjobs because there will not be any here, so adios amigos.
In conclusion, from this day forward I will be known as thejobs President, regardless of thejobs which never were created because of my policies. You see, we can countjobs created or saved, but countingjobs never created is impossible, so thejobs numbers emanating from my administration are only one side of thejobs coin. But you’ll never know it.
How do I know that I will be regarded as thejobs President? Because my supporters have thejobs which write the newspaper articles and history books, so it will be theirjobs to fool you into thinking I’m a centrist who really cares aboutjobs.
Thank you, and God Bless America.