First draft of Obama’s upcoming State of the Union Address, as edited by the White House communications team:

My Fellow Americans,

I have a plan, but I can’t tell you about it because you are worried about jobs.  If I really cared what you thought about jobs, I would have focused on jobs from day one instead of Obamacare.  But one of my jobs was to transform the nation regardless of what you thought, so your jobs really didn’t matter to me.

Talking about jobs, the Stimulus Plan saved or created millions of jobs, but the jobs now are gone because the federal funding of the jobs is gone.  And now that the Republicans control the House, the loss of those jobs will be blamed by my campaign team on Republicans, who not only want you to die quickly, they want you to lose your jobs quickly.

You see, I’m smarter than you; the whole saved or created jobs thing really was just a distraction to make you think I cared about jobs when all I really cared about was social change and restructuring society into my vision of America.  And if puffing up some jobs numbers was the cover I needed to transform society, those phony jobs numbers were worth the effort.

I have several jobs remaining in the next six years.  Among the jobs I have assigned to myself is to finish off the private health insurance industry, which may result in the loss of jobs but those sort of jobs are evil. 

As to cap-and-trade, I know that opposition based on the loss of jobs has sunk the legislation, but one of the jobs of the EPA is to destroy jobs through regulations.  And let me give a shout-out to the Mountaineer State.  How’s that Manchin vote working out for your coal mining jobs?.

One of the jobs of the Interior and Energy Departments is to pass jobs destroying domestic energy production regulations similar to the EPA’s jobs destroying energy consumption regulations.  Their jobs work together in brutal harmony to destroy non-green jobs so that we can build an economy based on the economic fiction of green jobs.  And you will buy right into it, because you are stupid.

As to the deficit, who cares, since it will not affect jobs in Washington, D.C.  In fact, the more we spend the more jobs I can give out to law professors whose jobs it will be to create more federal government jobs  for people whose jobs will be to destroy private sector jobs.

And the national debt, forgettaboutit.  The people in this administration whose jobs are to destroy private sector jobs will be long gone from their jobs before we reach the national debt tipping point. And when that day comes, you will be sneaking across the border into Mexico seeking jobs because there will not be any here, so adios amigos.

In conclusion, from this day forward I will be known as the jobs President, regardless of the jobs which never were created because of my policies.  You see, we can count jobs created or saved, but counting jobs never created is impossible, so the jobs numbers emanating from my administration are only one side of the jobs coin.  But you’ll never know it.

How do I know that I will be regarded as the jobs President?  Because my supporters have the jobs which write the newspaper articles and history books, so it will be their jobs to fool you into thinking I’m a centrist who really cares about jobs.

Thank you, and God Bless America.

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